Post by Zander on Nov 8, 2007 1:32:09 GMT -5
I completely don't understand what's going on at this point...
Forgive me if this is the longest and most disconnected and senseless confessional in Spies history.
First off, how do I basically know who Masaki is and have known who he is all game and he DOESN'T know who I am? Seriously.
Okay, beyond that pointless fact, Madison is gone and I feel for Sam not wanting inactive people in the game but I definitely had the tightest bond with her out of everyone so it just like...
It's just a game, I know it is, but I actually got along great with Madison and she seemed like an awesome person and I just never would have expected her to idle out. I genuinely never thought she was one of the other spies and she always seemed like such a sincere person. She I'm sure is a great person in and outside of the game so having someone you really like as a person leave just... sucks a whole lot. I'm not someone who gets attached to people IRL and definitely not online and so this is weird, it just sucks that she's gone. I didn't expect her to be removed this way and I didn't even get to say goodbye or thanks to her and with this removal who even knows if she'll be here afterwards or read anything I've written. And me turning out to be a spy will probably only make her mad at me. I just want her to know that throughout the entire game, the only thing I ever lied to her about was being a spy, and that I really enjoyed getting to know her and playing the game with her. If she gets the chance to play in the future I'd really enjoy to play with her...
I'm done crying about spilled milk now... But I eternally <3 Maddy...
Anyway, what I don't understand seriously is how people do not suspect me at all.
Okay reasons why people should suspect me:
I CLEARLY voted for Naomi when everyone else voted for Beverly? Now why would I do that... Hmm... Perhaps because I KNEW NAOMI WAS A SPY. Granted Beverly did try to persuade me and I used that to my advantage, but people in this game are TOO WILLING to let things go. It doesn't make sense.
Lloyd thought Ralph or I were spies. I imprisoned Lloyd. Ralph got exiled. And nobody pushed for me at all? Why? He said if Ralph was NOT a spy, I was, and everyone gave up on that. Lloyd was smart - Lloyd was Jess. Pretty much everyone knew that and still they didn't try.
Nobody has ever asked me for conversations I had with Faizah. Why? Because I never have citizens ones. That's dangerous, and it's about time we started doing that... 'cept we're not online at the same time much.
Beyond all of this, people randomly throw my name out (and very seldomly) and it's always dismissed. I don't quite get it.
Now, why do people trust me?:
Summer, Candy, and Hannah are basically fully convinced I am a citizen. They tried to start a trust group with me tonight. Basically based off of me voting to get rid of Bunni tonight (at least in Summer's case). I've VOTED for Summer before and now she trusts me with this plan.
Apparently Gordy told Candy and Beverly that I was a 100% confirmed citizen. I don't get HOW the hell that's true, but hey, if Candy wants to think so then let her, now we're each other's closest allies and that's fine by me... But still, I can't help but feel guilty for playing people.. This is different from Anneliese, the more I lie and play people, yes it's fun but it just makes me feel like a bad person.
It makes me feel like I'm not really cut out to be a spy. It makes me feel like you made a bad decision Sam, and that the stress is sometimes too much for me to deal with, which is why I was a bit vacant here and there so far.
I truly am giving this game everything I have, but there's that concern again that I had before - I know at the end of the game regardless of the outcome it will still be "The Spies in Spies 3 were excellent... Zander... meh, he was okay" or something like that. And I hate bitching and things like that but I'm just trying so hard and no matter what it's not great.
The opportunity is amazing and I'm ridiculously grateful, I just feel like maybe Angelica or Beverly or Naomi deserved to be here in my stead... I know they're all great, maybe greater players... Like Faizah and I maybe just got lucky by not being investigated.
On another sidenote, the amount of investigations in this game were disproportionate to the amount of spies and the theme in this game. Like, Spy group vs. Spy group AND so many investigations on top of that are just NUTS... Maybe it went a bit overboard. Any more investigations might just make it to extreme. I understand the point and trying to advocate a spy getting the investigation can go both ways.
Maybe I'm just rambling ridiculous amounts...
I can't imagine how Bunni felt this week, or if I were in her shoes what would have happened. She's a hypocrite and so is Kip... If they were in that place or someone they suspected were, they would have grilled the hell out of that person.
Bunni is useless and non-contributory to this game and that insults me. Maybe I'm not a great spy or great citizen but I always work my ass off for Spies and that's why I think I'm here now and why I want to be here in the future.
I guess what I just want to say is
to everyone I've lied to and screwed over this whole game... I screwed several people out of their chances of winning this game or getting their fair shot at being a good citizen or spy... And it feels awful. I never wanted to feel bad about an elimination or anything like that... Which makes me think I don't have the gut for this. The spies in Spies 3 were ruthless, I'm just tactical but kind...
It's also a bit hard to control Faizah, I know I'm very selfish but I think we have different goals and I just think that mine are more victory-oriented. Eliminating the other spy does us no good, we just have to convince them how to do certain crap...
Anyway, I should have stopped talking forever ago... I just thought I was overdue on really providing my thoughts and opinions to this game. I haven't posted strategies in forever because doing this foul eliminations is just eating at me... And with constant twists it's hard to understand how I feel or what to do.
In the future, I need to keep my emotions out of the game, regardless of if I'm a spy or not...
Here's to hoping I can get my act together and still fight for a Spy victory...
Cheers.
- Z
Forgive me if this is the longest and most disconnected and senseless confessional in Spies history.
First off, how do I basically know who Masaki is and have known who he is all game and he DOESN'T know who I am? Seriously.
Okay, beyond that pointless fact, Madison is gone and I feel for Sam not wanting inactive people in the game but I definitely had the tightest bond with her out of everyone so it just like...
It's just a game, I know it is, but I actually got along great with Madison and she seemed like an awesome person and I just never would have expected her to idle out. I genuinely never thought she was one of the other spies and she always seemed like such a sincere person. She I'm sure is a great person in and outside of the game so having someone you really like as a person leave just... sucks a whole lot. I'm not someone who gets attached to people IRL and definitely not online and so this is weird, it just sucks that she's gone. I didn't expect her to be removed this way and I didn't even get to say goodbye or thanks to her and with this removal who even knows if she'll be here afterwards or read anything I've written. And me turning out to be a spy will probably only make her mad at me. I just want her to know that throughout the entire game, the only thing I ever lied to her about was being a spy, and that I really enjoyed getting to know her and playing the game with her. If she gets the chance to play in the future I'd really enjoy to play with her...
I'm done crying about spilled milk now... But I eternally <3 Maddy...
Anyway, what I don't understand seriously is how people do not suspect me at all.
Okay reasons why people should suspect me:
I CLEARLY voted for Naomi when everyone else voted for Beverly? Now why would I do that... Hmm... Perhaps because I KNEW NAOMI WAS A SPY. Granted Beverly did try to persuade me and I used that to my advantage, but people in this game are TOO WILLING to let things go. It doesn't make sense.
Lloyd thought Ralph or I were spies. I imprisoned Lloyd. Ralph got exiled. And nobody pushed for me at all? Why? He said if Ralph was NOT a spy, I was, and everyone gave up on that. Lloyd was smart - Lloyd was Jess. Pretty much everyone knew that and still they didn't try.
Nobody has ever asked me for conversations I had with Faizah. Why? Because I never have citizens ones. That's dangerous, and it's about time we started doing that... 'cept we're not online at the same time much.
Beyond all of this, people randomly throw my name out (and very seldomly) and it's always dismissed. I don't quite get it.
Now, why do people trust me?:
Summer, Candy, and Hannah are basically fully convinced I am a citizen. They tried to start a trust group with me tonight. Basically based off of me voting to get rid of Bunni tonight (at least in Summer's case). I've VOTED for Summer before and now she trusts me with this plan.
Apparently Gordy told Candy and Beverly that I was a 100% confirmed citizen. I don't get HOW the hell that's true, but hey, if Candy wants to think so then let her, now we're each other's closest allies and that's fine by me... But still, I can't help but feel guilty for playing people.. This is different from Anneliese, the more I lie and play people, yes it's fun but it just makes me feel like a bad person.
It makes me feel like I'm not really cut out to be a spy. It makes me feel like you made a bad decision Sam, and that the stress is sometimes too much for me to deal with, which is why I was a bit vacant here and there so far.
I truly am giving this game everything I have, but there's that concern again that I had before - I know at the end of the game regardless of the outcome it will still be "The Spies in Spies 3 were excellent... Zander... meh, he was okay" or something like that. And I hate bitching and things like that but I'm just trying so hard and no matter what it's not great.
The opportunity is amazing and I'm ridiculously grateful, I just feel like maybe Angelica or Beverly or Naomi deserved to be here in my stead... I know they're all great, maybe greater players... Like Faizah and I maybe just got lucky by not being investigated.
On another sidenote, the amount of investigations in this game were disproportionate to the amount of spies and the theme in this game. Like, Spy group vs. Spy group AND so many investigations on top of that are just NUTS... Maybe it went a bit overboard. Any more investigations might just make it to extreme. I understand the point and trying to advocate a spy getting the investigation can go both ways.
Maybe I'm just rambling ridiculous amounts...
I can't imagine how Bunni felt this week, or if I were in her shoes what would have happened. She's a hypocrite and so is Kip... If they were in that place or someone they suspected were, they would have grilled the hell out of that person.
Bunni is useless and non-contributory to this game and that insults me. Maybe I'm not a great spy or great citizen but I always work my ass off for Spies and that's why I think I'm here now and why I want to be here in the future.
I guess what I just want to say is
to everyone I've lied to and screwed over this whole game... I screwed several people out of their chances of winning this game or getting their fair shot at being a good citizen or spy... And it feels awful. I never wanted to feel bad about an elimination or anything like that... Which makes me think I don't have the gut for this. The spies in Spies 3 were ruthless, I'm just tactical but kind...It's also a bit hard to control Faizah, I know I'm very selfish but I think we have different goals and I just think that mine are more victory-oriented. Eliminating the other spy does us no good, we just have to convince them how to do certain crap...
Anyway, I should have stopped talking forever ago... I just thought I was overdue on really providing my thoughts and opinions to this game. I haven't posted strategies in forever because doing this foul eliminations is just eating at me... And with constant twists it's hard to understand how I feel or what to do.
In the future, I need to keep my emotions out of the game, regardless of if I'm a spy or not...
Here's to hoping I can get my act together and still fight for a Spy victory...
Cheers.
- Z
Thank you for your insights and your stream-of-consciousness Ryan. Thanks to everyone else who took the time to write down their feelings as well - it is very illuminating to look back now and see what you were thinking at that time.
<3